Warning: This is a total rip off of the ancient greek tragedy: Oedipus Rex (AKA: Oedipus Terranus)

 

F.F Farmer: Hmm... now they said cocaine grows on the summit...

(>o.o)> Kirby-Baby: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

F.F Farmer: Dear God! Have I been taking hallucenagenics already?  It's a pink fluff ball!!!

(>~O~)> Kirby-Baby: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

F.F Farmer: It's a BABY!!!  OMG THE QUEEN IS LIKE TOTALLY SO BARREN!!! OH MAN I BET I CAN SELL IT TO HER FOR A FORTUNE! I CAN FINALLY BUY MY OWN COCAINE!

 

u.u Merope: LOOK, POLYBUS, I JUST GOT A BABY FROM A FARMER!

p.p Polybus: Shut up you barren looney!  Last time you spent half our kingdom's fortune on a doll!

u.u Merope: BUT LOOK - A BABY!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Goo goo gaa gaa?!

p.p Polybus: Dear god!  What have you brought into our household woman!

u.u Merope: Awww but its sooo cute...

p.p Polybus: ITS A GIANT MARSHMELLOW!

u.u Merope: Well... on the bright side we could always eat if we're hungry!

(>._.)> Oedirby: ...gaa?

p.p Polybus: I'm not eating anything which mouth is larger than my head as a baby...

u.u Merope: Fine, then I'm gonna raise him as our child!

p.p Polybus: ...That's wonderful... stupid barren lunatic!  I only married you because of your skill at cooking breakfast!! BREAKFAST YOU HEAR!?

p.p Polybus: God I hate that woman... hmm... its lunch time... where's my concubine...

*So years passed as King Polybus and Queen Merope raised young Oedirby.  They named Kirby thus because Oedirby in Greek means: Swollen Body... well not really... but it almost holds true to the story in a sick demented way...*

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Ahh what a nice party!

G_G Drunkard: YAR IT BE OEDIRBY!  GUEZZ WHAT UR ADOPTED!!!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: No?

G_G Drunkard: Hahaha... its a big secret... shhh don't tell ... hahaha....

(>O.O)> Oedirby: Oh no!!! This can't be true!!!  I know, I'll ask my parents...

~Oedirby Goes to King Polybus!~

p.p Polybus: ...no ur not adopted... now where's the beer I ordered?

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Are you sure I'm not adopted?  I mean I'm kinda pink and round and you're kinda dark skinned and ... human...

p.p Polybus: I NEED LIQUOR SON!! HOW AM I TO STAND YOUR MOTHER WITHOUT LIQUOR!!!

(>`.`)> Oedirby: It's right here...

p.p Polybus: Apollo... I hate being King... I should've been a farmer like my father wanted...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Grandpa wanted you to be a farmer?

p.p Polybus: ...he drank as much as I did...

(>`,`)> Oedirby: Oh... That explains a lot...

~So Oedirby, still unsure of his natural birth into this world, goes to an Oracle...~

O.O Oracle: I AM AN ORACLE!

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Can you like... umm... tell me stuff about how I was born?

O.O Oracle: NO.  I CAN HOWEVER TELL YOU YOUR FATE.

(>O.o)> Oedirby: What's my fate?

O.O Oracle: YOU WILL KILL YOUR FATHER AND MARRY YOUR MOTHER!

(>O_O)> Oedirby: Dear Apollo!! I gotta get out of here!

O.O Oracle: NEXT!!!  HELLO!

u.u Merope: Can you tell me where to find the restrooms?

O.O Oracle: NO.  I CAN, HOWEVER, TELL YOU YOUR FATE!

u.u Merope: No no, that's okay I just want to...

O.O Oracle: YOU WILL KILL YOUR FATHER AND MARRY YOUR MOTHER... NEXT!

u.u Merope: ...

~So Oedirby flees from his parents, because he doesn't want to kill his dad and marry his mother... cuz that's gross... but he doesn't know that they're really not his parents, so he's traveles to Thebes in order to stop the Sphix that is terrorizing it.. why.. we just don't know..~

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Ridin' down the crossroads! La la la...

E_E King Laius: I WANT TO RIDE THE ROAD!! ME ME ME GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!!

(>.\/.)> Oedirby: Oh my gods!  YOU JUST TRIED TO RUN ME OFF THE ROAD!!! DIEEEEEE!!!!

(>`.`)>| <--- Giant Club!

(>`.`)> - - - | E_E

*SMACK*

E_E King Laius: ARGH I AM DEAD!!!

t.t Soldier 1: OH NO LAIUS DIED!!! AHHHH!

y.y Soldier 2: Dude! Watch the road! OMG WATCH OUT!!!

t.t Soldier 1: AHHHHH!!!

*Boom*

l.l Soldier 3: I survived?!  Ack, run away!!!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Guys... your horses just ran into the tree... your horses... are really not very well trained...

t.t Soldier 1: Shhh, I'm dead...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: You're really not... its just both your horses are unconcious... you're both fine... in fact beside the horses the wagon is in perfect condition...

y.y Soldier 2: The... ... zZzZzZz

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Huh?

~So Kirby travels to Thebes, even tho he just killed a guy but he doesn't really care about that~

(>`.`)> Oedirby: HELLO SPHINX!

( .\ /. ) Sphinx: I AM THE MIGHTY SPHINX, ANSWER MY RIDDLE AND I SHALL KILL MYSELF FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.  FAIL AND I SHALL DO THE SAME TO YOU!!!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Okay...

( .\ /. ) Sphinx: WHAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS IN THE MORNING, TWO AT MIDDAY, AND THREE AT DUSK?

(>o.o)> Oedirby: Uhh... ... ... well... umm... jeez this is tough... MAN I wont get the --

( o\ /o ) Sphinx: THAT'S... THAT'S RIGHT!!! ITS MAN!!!

(>x.x)> Oedirby: What?

( x\ /x ) Sphinx: *Kill Self*

(>O.o)> Oedirby: ...that was random!

!.! Choragos: Oh my Zeus! You pwned the Sphinx dooode!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: ... I'm greatly confused!

!.! Choragos: As a reward you get to become King of Thebes!

(>^_^)> Oedirby: Oh! AWESOME!

!.! Choragos: You even get your own Queen!

(>^o^)> Oedirby: W00000!!! Is she hott?!

!.! Choragos: She's about 18 years older then u!

(>^0^)> Oedirby: OLDER WOMEN!!!

!.! Choragos: And she was married to the old king who is now dead!

(>^O^)> Oedirby: EXPERIENCE!!!

~So then years pass Oedirby by as he settles into the Kinghood in Thebes.  He rules with his Queen, Jocasta, and her brother, Creon.  Together with Jocasta, they have four children, and named each one after what their sneezes sounded like... but then...~

y.y Priest: Oedirby!  The Kingdom is plagued with a ... plague... of ... unbarreness!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Is that a word?

y.y Priest: I am but a simple priest of Apollo, words are not my... ... my... ...my... well... uhh

(>`.`)> Oedirby: What plagues are they?

y.y Priest: Well, women can't get babies... Hera knows I've tried...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: ...That's uncalled for.

y.y Priest: And now these plants aren't growing and stuff... cuz like... they just don't...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Well that's stupid... I guess no more corn...

y.y Priest: It is a plague of ... DOOM! The god's must be non-pleased!

(>`.`)> Oedirby: OUR MAIN IMPORT NOW IS TO BE BABIES AND CORN!

!.! Choragos: Yes M'lord!

(>o.o)> Oedirby: I SHALL NOT LET MY KINGDOM FALL TO BABY AND CORN SHORTAGES!

y.y Priest: ...but the gods... they're like... uhh... what's the word...

!.! Choragos: Pissed off?

y.y Priest: Yeah, that sounds good.

(>`.`)> Oedirby: CREON!  CREEEEOOOON!!!

{>`.`}> Creon: Yo, what up Oedirby!

(>~.~)> Oedirby: Could you not talk like that in front of me?

{>`.`}> Creon: Sure my homie!  What's poppin?

(>~.~)> Oedirby: ...well... go to the Oracle at Delphi... and learn stuff from the gods!

{>`.`}> Creon: Fo' shizzle my nizzle!

(>~.~)> Oedirby: ... if you weren't my brother-in-law...

{>`.`}> Creon: What was that, Oedirby?

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Nothing, nothing... so what do you think caused the plague?

y.y Priest: Apollo says something about the guy who killed the King being here or something... and u gotta take revenge or some stuff

(>`.`)> Oedirby: The guy... who killed... the King... hmm...

{>`.`}> Creon: Oh! Oh! It was these bands of highwaymen that killed him at the crossroads of Thebes!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: A highwayman killing the King like that?  A bit outrageous...

{>`.`}> Creon: There's one guy who got away, he was all like: then the king got all dead and then the riders got those caps popped up their a-

(>`o`)> Oedirby: Thaaat's enough information... hmm... so now we must find this highwayman... hmm... wait, why didn't you guys find out who did it before...

{>`.`}> Creon: Because... we... ... we were all distracted, yo...

!.! Choragos: We really just didn't give a crap...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: ...heh...heh... (Note to self: Followers are NOT faithful...)

(>`o`)> Oedirby: I shall make the decree: The man who is found guilty of killing the former king Laius shall be banished from this land, and no one shall give him quater!!!

!.! Choragos: But what if he needs to call someone... we have to give him change...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Wrong type of quarter...

(>`o`)> Oedirby: Furthermore, he shall be castrated!

{>`.`}> Creon: w0000000000000000000000000000000000---

(>~.~)> Oedirby: SHUT UP!!!

(>`o`)> Oedirby: Okay, not castrated but simply kicked in the balls REALLY hard!

{>^_^}> Creon: I totally got that covered!!

(>x.x)> Oedirby: ...

~So then Creon went to Delphi and got an Oracle and brought him back to Oedirby~

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Hello, oracle!

-.- Teriseius: I am the blind oracle... Teriseius!!!

(>`.`)> Oedirby: O...kay...

-.- Teriseius: ...I'm blind...

(>~.~)> Oedirby: Yes, you've told me that... now do you know who killed the former king?

-.- Teriseius: Yes.

(>`.`)> Oedirby: ...

-.- Teriseius: ...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: ...

-.- Teriseius: ...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Well then can you tell me?

-.- Teriseius: No.

(>o.O)> Oedirby: Why not?

-.- Teriseius: ...because you'll get all angry at me...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: I'll be even angrier if you don't!

-.- Teriseius: I'm blind...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: WHO KILLED THE FORMER KING?!

-.- Teriseius: Who are you again?

(>~.~)> Oedirby: WHO KILLED THE FRICKEN KING?!

-.- Teriseius: YOU ARE GUILTY OF THE CRIME!!!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: What the... me?

-.- Teriseius: Yes, me!

(>@.@)> Oedirby: Wait, you or me...

-.- Teriseius: One of us!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: So then you did it?

-.- Teriseius: No, you did!

(>`.`)> Oedirby: No... not really...

-.- Teriseius: Yes, really.

(>O.o)> Oedirby: No...

-.- Teriseius: YOU DID HAHAHA LOZAR!!!

(>~.~)> Oedirby: Jeez ur a psycho...

-.- Teriseius: I'm going to be blind somewhere else now... FOR I HAVE MORE SEEING THAN YOU!!!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: ... what are you talking about?

-.- Teriseius: YOU ARE TEH CAUSE OF THE PLAGUE!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: No, not really...

-.- Teriseius: YES YOU ARE!

(>`.`)> Oedirby: What is your problem?

-.- Teriseius: NOTHING!!! BESIDES THE FACT IM BLIND!!!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: ...

~So then the Oracle helped with nothing and wound up confusing the crap out of Oedirby, so then Creon came, but Oedirby was heavily drug induced and therefore not very sane~

{>`.`}> Creon: WHAT UP BOYY!!

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: You... you're PLOTTING AGAINST ME!!!

{>O.o}> Creon: Not really...

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: I hate you all!

{>O.o}> Creon: ...

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: WHY CANT I FEEL PAIN!!!

!.! Choragos: Creon... he's been acting like this ever since he snorted down that bag of cocaine...

{>O_O}> Creon: YOU GAVE HIM COCAINE!?

!.! Choragos: We were going to use it for the ceremony--

{>O_O}> Creon: AND YOU DIDNT INVITE ME?!

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: I MUST FEEL PAAAAIN!!! Down the road... across the street...

!.! Choragos: Please stop it, King Oedirby!  You're hurting yourself...

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: WHY DID MY KNIFE CROSS THE ROAD?!

!.! Choragos: ...

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDDEEEE!!!

!.! Choragos: SIRE NO DONT!!!

*Slit*

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: ACROSS THE STREET... DOWN THE ROAD... J WALK... CRUISIN DOWN THE TURNPIKE... UH OH ROADS ARE SLIPPERY...

!.! Choragos: Sire, you're bleeding all over the place...

{>O.o}> Creon: Dear Apollo, our lord has gone insane!!

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: UP THE MOUNTAIN... Up... Up... Up... CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG!!!

!.! Choragos: Sire, stop or else you'll bleed to death!

(>☼.☼)> Oedirby: I WANT TO SEE THE COLORS!! THE COOOLORS!!!

{>`.`}>| <- Club

*THWACK*

{>`.`}>/(>x.x)>

~So, The king came off his crack high and is now currently talking to his wife because of the fight he and Creon supposably had... in addition Creon is going through his mid life crisis and ran off saying something along the lines of "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, MY LIFE AMOUNTS TO NOTHING!!".  Reports say he stormed off similar to a girl after a boyfriend made an abnoxious comment regarding her upper extremities.~

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Oedirby! I heard you and Creon had a fight...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Wait... when?

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Yesterday...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Really?  No wonder why my head hurts so much...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: I heard you got doused with acid...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Doused? No... Overdosed on? That's a different story...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: And then Creon proceeded to hit you with a bat...

(>x.x)> Oedirby: I'm beginning to remember things... you servant... get me my whiskey!

[>*.*]> Jocasta: ...yes, well, anyway...

(>`.`)>[] Oedirby: MmMm... Samuel Adams... it's always a good choice!

`.` John: KIRBY!!! NO PROMOTING BEER IN THIS PLAY!!!

(>O.o)> Oedirby: John... come on... we need them to fund this...

`.` John: At least promote things worth while...

(>^_^)> Oedirby: Sure!! INTRODUCING... TROJAN CONDOMS!!!

`.` John: ...no...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: I shall now demonstrate their use on Jocasta here... my lovely assistant!

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Hun... in front of all... ... oh... oh... the-...oh! OH!!!

`.` John: Kirby... that's not a --

*Explosion*

~Rewind~

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Yes, well... anyway...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Well, about your late husband, exactly where and how was he killed?

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Well, one man told me a band of highwaymen once attacked and killed him on the crossroads... then proceeded to do the hula over their dead corpses, pissed on them, castrated them, ripped out all their internal organs, cannabalized them, and sold their brains to medical science...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: So, the people -

[>*.*]> Jocasta: And then gave them a proper burial...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: ...

[>*.*]>

(>o.O)>

(>`.`)> Oedirby: So, the people are clearly sick... hmm, we must summon this witness at once!

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Ah.. um... sure okay... why not...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: By the way... did you say the king was killed at a crossroads?

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Yeah...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Was he about... this high... looked a bit like me... strange old man... traveled lightly...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Oh, you met him before he died?

(>o.o)> Oedirby: Oh shit...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: ...Kirby?

(>`.`)> Oedirby: I killed a guy at a crossroads once... well... kinda... anyway.  Only one thing in our stories do not fit... the fact that highwaymen killed the king... and I am but one man... as far as I'm concerned...

`.` John: Well, one Kirby, anyway...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: John, you're still here?

`.` John: ...no...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: So then if this one guy who saw this confirms that there was but more than one man... then you're good name is cleared!

`.` John: I have other things to charge him with if he gets cleared with this one...

(>`o`)> Oedirby: John, shut up... anyway, bring this man forth!

`.` John: Drunk driving, possession of drugs, giving that small child--

(>`O`)> Oedirby: BRING HIM FORTH!!!

5.5 Messanger: Wait, wait... where can I find a Mr. Oedipus?

(>@.@)> Oedirby: I'm King Oedipus...

5.5 Messanger: Hmm, yeah, well, your dad died...

(>O.o)> Oedirby: Really? Wow... that's...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: My King... you look like you're about to cry...

(>^.^)> Oedirby: THE BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD IN AWHILE!  Now I won't kill my dad and have sex with my mommy!

[>*.*]> Jocasta: ...wa?

(>`.`)> Oedirby: You see, I got this prophecy I would kill my dad and marry my mother... which would be both disgusting, gross, and I would probably want to stab out my eyeballs, banish myself from the lands, and give the kingdom over to someone like Creon before that would ever happen...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: Really?  Wow, my first son that I threw away got the same prophecy...

(>`.`)> Oedirby: Wow, what a coincidence...

~Meanwhile~

O.O Oracle: AND HOW ABOUT YOU, WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW YOUR FATE?

r.r Dog: Arf! Arf!

O.O Oracle: YOU WILL KILL YOUR FATHER AND MARRY YOUR MOTHER!!!

r.r Dog: Arf! Arf!

O.O Oracle: THE GREAT ORACLE HAS SPOKEN!!!

~Back to Oedirby~

(>O.o)> Oedirby: What the hell do you mean Polybus wasn't my dad?

5.5 Messanger: You were adopted... couldn't you tell?  Look, you're round and pink... besides Polybus' beer belly, nothing on him was round and pink...

(>~.~)> Oedirby: Ugh, okay, so umm... can I meet my real father?

5.5 Messanger: I dunno, you might kill him and marry your mother...

[>*.*]> Jocasta: ... this whole oracle thing is retarded... Oedirby, don't listen to this guy.

(>`.`)> Oedirby: You're just afraid I'm probably the son of some sort of Jew!

`.` John: KIRBY!!! NO RACIST COMMENTS!!!

(>~.~)> Oedirby: Fine... fine... ... ... hebrew!

`.` John: KIRBY!

(>~.~)> Oedirby: ...

~So Oedirby went with the messanger to try and meet his real parents and find out who they really are~

k.q Shepherd: ...Who are you again?

5.5 Messanger: You're the shepherd guy... you're the one that worked for Laius... what did he have you do?

k.q Sherphed: I NEVER HAD SEXUAL REALATIONS WITH HIM - APOLLO DA--

5.5 Messanger: Relax, relax, did you by any chance ever recieve a child, of your own or someone else's to dispose of?

k.q Shepherd: Yeah... once... I gave him to this guy... that looked like that messanger.. and the baby... he was like a big swollen marshmellow...

(>o.o)> Oedirby: Who did you recieve him from?

k.q Shepherd: A woman...

(>o.o)> Oedirby: What... woman?

k.q Shepherd: I'm not telling~~!!

(>.\/.)> Oedirby: I'LL USE THIS ON YOU IF YOU DON'T!

k.q Shepherd: Holy-- okay okay, just dont shove that vibrator up there...  It was your wife...

(>x.x)> Oedirby: ...Jocasta?

k.q Shepherd: Yep... by the way... it was her baby...

(>O.O)> Oedirby: HOLY $|-|17!

k.q Shepherd: Sucks, eh?

~So Oedirby went back to his house, found his wife had commited suicide cuz she knew too, and then he went and took out her broaches, stabbed himself in his eyes and is now blind... so now Creon comes~

{>`.`}> Creon: Dude!  What up man, I heard you're my nephew or some crazy shit!  The messanger was a bit doped up but...

(>*.*)> Oedirby: Creon... I had children with my mother...

{>O.o}> Creon: Woah, dude, that's like incest or some stuff man, that's crazy shit... we should get you on like, Jerry Springer or some shit like that!

(>*.*)> Oedirby: I suck, I'm going to go kill myself now...

{>`.`}> Creon: 'kay, later dude, hope your eyes grow back...

(>*.*)> Oedirby: SLAVES, GET ME LOTS AND LOTS OF LIQUOR AND COCAINE!

~And thus Oedirby sucks for screwing his mom and lives the rest of his life snorting coke in a desert...~

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISTINA!!